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Dear Flora: Wedding Woes

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Dear Flora,

I’m getting married in a few months. The whole wedding is planned, and it has been smooth sailing, except for one small detail: who will walk me down the aisle. I don’t have a relationship with my parents: I moved out at 15 due to a toxic home situation and haven’t spoken to them since. While I don’t speak to my bio dad, I do have a wonderful man who took me in when I left my parents house, who helped me apply to colleges, and who helped me move into my first dorm and later my first apartment. While also being the only father figure in my life, he is also the father of my high school boyfriend. Because of the connection to my ex, my fiancé is completely against him walking me down the aisle, and wants me to choose his father who I barely know instead. High school was over a decade ago! How do I get my fiancé to see sense?

-Father Figure Freak Out

Dear FFFO,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I'm glad to hear that the planning wasn't as stressful as it sometimes can be. But this final hurdle is threatening to throw you out of your considerably rare bridal calm, so let's break it down.

It seems like you already understand your fiancé's position: he would prefer not associating the special day you two will share with a memory of your high school boyfriend. It's possible that, in a way, he feels as though your wedding day will be tainted with the stink of boyfriends past just by mere association. But you feel that he isn't appreciating what this man has done for you, and wants you to choose someone with whom you don't share a special connection.

If you haven't had a serious chat with your fiancé about this issue, now is the time. Let him know that you love and value him and his family-- including his dad. But also tell him that it's important to you to have someone walk you down the aisle that was like a father to you, so that you can participate in the father-daughter wedding tradition, since you don't have a relationship with your birth father. Tell him exactly what this man has done for you, and why he is important to your life, without the influence of the high school boyfriend. Alternatively, you can offer a nontraditional solution: sometimes modern brides have more than one person walk them down the aisle: a father and stepfather, father and brother, mother and father, you get the picture. Whatever you do, make sure you hear him out, and respond in "I feel" statements.

Good luck, and mazel tov!

Dear Flora,

My fiancé proposed to me with a gorgeous Tiffany ring. This was a couple of months after I hit my goal weight after a 4-year fitness journey, so really everything was coming up me! When I hit my goal weight, my ring was a few sizes too big for me, and because I know that Tiffany rings are expensive, I decided to take my ring to a Tiffany and Co. so I could get it resized by the professionals. When I got there, they couldn’t find my fiancé in the system, and after looking at the ring told me that my ring definitely didn’t come from Tiffany’s, as it doesn’t have the engraving inside, and the diamond isn’t real. I left the store embarrassed and called my fiancé, assuming he maybe got the ring from a different jeweler who resells rings and maybe he got tricked or something. He flew off the handle and accused me of being a gold digger and checking up on him, calling the people at Tiffany’s liars. I am absolutely heart broken by his response, and I don’t know how to move forward; I don’t care about brands, I just wanted to make sure my ring fit so I don’t lose it! What should I do?

-Fake Ring Fiancé

Dear FRF,

First thing's first: congratulations on hitting your goal weight! It was good of you to want to care for your ring and get it resized to show the beautiful gift that your fiancé presented you with. There's always a lot of status and social turmoil over rings, so I'm sorry that this is causing you so much trouble.

It sounds to me as though your fiancé is embarrassed that he got caught, or embarrassed that we got tricked. Like you say, the brand isn't everything, and even a faux diamond isn't a dealbreaker for every bride (personally, my engagement ring isn't a diamond at all!). But clearly, the prestige of a Tiffany ring was important to your fiancé, even if it really isn't important to you. It's time for a heart to heart about your ring.

Have you two spoken about the ring again? If not, be honest with him. Ask him what happened, and let him tell the story. Maybe, like you say, he was swindled into buying a fake Tiffany diamond (or a plain cubic zirconium). Or, more heartbreakingly, he knowingly purchased one, and then lied to you about it. If he won't talk about it, tell him how much you love and appreciate your ring, and that the stone and the brand don't matter to you, only the commitment you're making to each other. Hopefully, that will inspire him to spill thr truth behind the purchase.

Based on his reaction, I would highly suggest that you think seriously about whatever he tells you. If he was tricked, that's one thing, but if he lied, are you comfortable with marrying someone who lies and then calls you names when you find out the truth? Be honest with yourself.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

That's all for this week! Please submit your questions at the link below, and I'll see you all in two weeks!

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